


Family Matters

by haku23



Category: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 04:36:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/605880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haku23/pseuds/haku23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry and Harry are charged with caring for Harmony's child. It goes about as well as anyone could expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Family Matters

**Author's Note:**

> So I was originally going to finish this before Christmas and kind of sort of gift it to my lovely lover who doesn't have an account on here but loves KKBB fic however I Harry'd and there's no way that this is getting finished before Christmas. So I'll have to gift the first part to them instead. :'D 
> 
> You know who you are. <3

“Harry, come on, Harry, it'll just be for like a week,” Harmony pleads and he wishes she wouldn't do that because being married really hasn't made her stop wearing low cut tops and he can see right down it and he probably shouldn't look but he's still a man. A not gay man. He isn't sure who he's more afraid will kill him if they catch him surreptitiously-that’s a big word and he _does_ know what it means-staring at her boobs. It's not like he's trying to be a home-wrecker he just cannot fucking help it when they're out there. Staring back at him.

 

“I don't know, honey, Perry's kind of anal-like, the ...” he waves his hand, “whatever. About the furniture.”

 

“She's really good, Harry, really, really good. You'll never notice she's there I just-I really gotta get to the set and Brad-”

 

Slow down here because yes, Harmony is married to Brad Fucking Pitt(Fucking is totally his middle name). Don't ask me how she managed that. Fuck, that sounds really jealous I'm not jealous I'm just that thing when you don't expect the girl you kind of loved for like, all of your life to go marry Brad Fucking Pitt. Surprised. Anyway.

 

She goes on for a couple more minutes about her obligations and how they really can't watch their kid and how she's such a _great kid_ , Harry and finally he just holds up his hand, “okay. Okay. But if Perry asks you shocked my balls again to convince me.”

 

He looks down at the kid-she looks more like Brad than Harmony which is weird kind of in a girl but it's not like he's looking at kids like that he's not a paedophile. She stares back at him, “still got hair on your balls?”

 

Harry is 20 million percent sure that this is going to go really, really, really badly when he takes the Jesus Christ, mountain of crap Harmony hands him for the care of her child. Like sorry Harmony I got your kid arrested but she just wouldn't stop doing coke kind of badly.

 

He takes her hand as Harmony kind of half jogs back to her car, waving as she goes, “Actually, I do, not that that's something-what are your parents teaching you anyway? Jesus Christ.”

 

“Mom answers any questions I have.”

 

“Can we not...do that or is that child abuse?” he asks her while they're walking back inside Perry's building. The doorman raises an eyebrow-if Perry doesn't already know somehow that Harry's got a kid in the building he will in about ten minutes. He speeds up and sets the kid up in front of the TV so he has a minute to think of all the things wrong with this scenario. Harmony had to have other friends. Other friends with kids. Other friends who didn't live with Perry. Which meant that she'd deliberately chosen him because for some reason she trusted him with the well-being of her and Brad Fucking Pitt's baby. Sure, he'd helped with his niece sometimes but he hadn't at one point wanted to fuck his sister and make babies with her. And besides that his niece is family which meant that legally he isn't allowed to murder and/or maim her for every time she'd peed on the carpet or thrown up on him. Not that he would. But it is backed up legally too in case he'd been contemplating it.

 

The phone rings about halfway through Spongebob which Harmony's kid is watching and somehow not disturbed at. It's a talking sponge. They live in...it's just not right and it freaks him the fuck out. He can barely take his eyes off of it long enough to answer the phone because he's not sure if it's bad to turn his back on _them._

 

“Hey,” he says, eyes flicking back to the screen every few seconds. It'll be Perry. Perry is the only one that ever calls him anyway even though he's kind of got friends now but everyone texts these days and he can barely fucking navigate the tiny buttons on his phone so he prefers to show up unannounced.

 

“Why,” he pauses for effect which is probably a gay thing, “is there someone's kid in my apartment?”

 

“No, see, it's okay because it's our apartment, technically and I-”

 

“I pay the rent on it, it's my apartment. You're like a dog I let stay as long as it doesn't piss on the furniture why is there a rogue child in my apartment?”

 

Rogue child. Like there are roaming gangs of children doing B and Es or something. “Harmony and Brad had to go to a movie set or something for a week so I said I'd watch her,” he blurts out in one breath.

 

“Say again?”

 

“Harmony and Brad had to go to a movie set for a week-”

 

“What the fuck is your problem, Harry?! We are not _equipped_ to handle a child-”

 

“No but she's really good-”

 

“For a day, nevermind a fucking week! I don't care if she's the Pope's illegitimate bastard child we are not keeping a kid-”

 

“I thought the Pope couldn't...Never mind. Harmony already left so we're kind of stuck with-”

 

“In my apartment. When I get back she better be gone.”

 

“Her......” a beat, “Perry the kid's gone.”

 

“Good.”

 

“No, I mean she's _gone_. She was here on the couch and now she's _gone_ I lost Harmony's kid,” he says and sets down the phone because he's only had her for twenty minutes tops and he's already lost her. It's not like she could've gone anywhere far because he'd only been talking to Perry for max, five minutes, but it's kind of a big deal when you lose someone else's kid.

 

“Harry, tell me where-Harry! Pick up the phone!”

 

Harry turns off the tv-not taking any chances-and ran into the bedroom-his bedroom because Perry didn't really let him in his very often.

 

Oh yeah, I didn't tell you that part yet. Yeah me and Perry are...something. It's not like we fall asleep in bed together spooning or something because Perry is actually pretty busy and usually when he's busy I'm also busy helping him or whatever so it doesn't leave much room which is fine. Like I said, totally straight.

 

No kid. Shit, he doesn't even know its name. Her. Her name. The apartment isn't big however he's seen that show with the talking babies, he knows how easily kids can get out of houses with only the use of a screwdriver and Harmony's kid is closer to ten than one but eight is still small. Too small for her to be wandering around LA alone even if Harry had been wandering around towns alone since he'd been able to walk but that'd been Embrey not Los Fucking Angeles where she's more likely to get a fucking record deal from a creepy guy than anything else. And fuck, he can't let that happen to Harmony's kid. He yanks open the door to the bathroom. No kid. The kitchen he'd already been in and finally only one door remains. He really hopes for the sake of the kid's sanity that she isn't in there because Perry doesn't even let _him_ into most of the drawers and he will lose his shit if a kid is poking around his dildos or whatever he keeps in said forbidden drawers.

 

“What are these?”

 

He opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens, “honey, you should put that down it's really dangerous because that,” he strode quickly over to her and plucked the vibrator-god knew what Perry did with that-from her hands, “is a bomb.”

 

She gave him a dubious look, “I know that's not a bomb, uncle Harry.”

 

His heart warms an almost ridiculous amount. Uncle Harry. Jesus. “Uh. What do you think it is?”

 

“I know what it is,” came Perry's voice from the doorway and he'd obviously flown here because otherwise Harry couldn't explain how he'd gotten here so quickly, and he grabs the 'device' from Harry's hand, “it's called a Harry needs to stay out of my room unless he's invited.”

 

“No! No, this isn't my fault see she disappeared and then I found her in here so it's not...my...” he ran his hand through his hair, “fault.”

 

“What's your name, kid?” Perry cuts right to the chase, arms crossed over his chest like he's interrogating a witness.

 

She mimics the motion and raises her chin defiantly,“Melody.”

 

God that's unfortunate. Harmony and Melody. It's like some sort of sick porn name where the “sisters” do a lesbian scene together.

 

“Okay, so aside from breaking into my room like a criminal,” he raises his eyebrows in Harry's direction, “what are you doing here?”

 

“Momma and Daddy are filming a movie together and since she says all the other people around us are crazy bitches she brought me here.”

 

Harry tilts his head in silent agreement with the crazy bitches part at about the same time Perry does and that's...really fucking gay. Like super gay. He looks down-okay, jeans and a hoodie, he's still alright, there's no merging or whatever everyone says happens going on because he still looks kind of like a hobo and Perry looks...like Perry looks. He's finally shaved off the Hulk Hogan moustache-said it made him too memorable of a face-and of course he's wearing a suit. Dark blue-no, _navy._ Harry guesses that it's probably Gucci and cost more than his entire closet combined. It's got a subtle pinstripe and-

 

“You wanna stop checking me out while Harmony's kid is here, chief?”

 

“Shit,” he reins himself in, “crap? No-the suit. I mean, I was checking out the suit not you.”

 

Perry does an about face and Melody does the same, “I'm going out to get some supplies.”

 

Then over his shoulder, “is it animal pasta or the alphabet for you?”

 

Okay so he's annoyed. Which. Okay, isn't that much different from any other time because Harry is Harry and looks, talks, and acts like Harry. “Animals?”

 

“Yeah, thought so.”

 

He follows them to the living room where Perry drops the kid off on the couch again and yells out the door after him, “I mean, I'd take the alphabet ones!”

 

“Shut up, Harry.”

 

Harry closes the door and settles into the couch too. There are fairy god parents with weird floaty crown-y things on the TV now and what the fuck is _up_ with kid's shows these days?

 

~~**~~

 

It's about five when he finally hears the words he'd been dreading hearing.

 

“Uncle Harry I'm bored.”

 

Which is just great because when _he's_ bored Perry either ignores him, sends him on some stupid errand, or uh...distracts him in equal measure and like, all three of those things are inappropriate for children.

 

“Uh...You wanna go to the beach?” he asks after an embarrassing amount of time spent just staring into space ticking off more boxes of things that he can't do with children. He doesn't think Harmony would like it if he taught her kid how to be a bag man and plus he'd kind of sort of promised he wouldn't steal anymore. It's not like it's an addiction.

 

Melody picks up one of his ten ashtrays on the coffee table, “how come you've got so lots of these?”

 

It's not an addiction.

 

“Complimentary...hotel...things. Me and Perry travel a lot for business, that kind of shit-crap,” he smacks himself in face. He has to stop fucking swearing in front of Harmony's fucking kid. How did Perry manage that shit?

 

“I'm bored uncle Harry.”

 

“Okay, let's go take a swim or...collect shells what do people do here I don't even know.”

 

He roots through the bag Harmony had provided him and no swimsuit. Which, he thinks, is kind of a huge oversight considering that the beach is _right there_ and they have no kid appropriate means to entertain Melody unless it turns out she's a chain smoking poker player who happens to enjoy watching Oprah. The whole being a kid thing could totally be her poker-face.

 

They make a weird pair considering how they're both the most dressed people on the entire beach but Melody is looking around anyway. She's holding his hand which is a miracle in itself because by her age his niece had started saying 'ewww uncle Harry' every time he'd tried and it kind of hurt he can't lie. It's warm and he starts wishing he'd actually bought swim trunks or something despite how little he goes to the beach. He doesn't think he's ever seen Perry come down to the sand though he says that the view is good enough from the window which is creepy but Harry had nursed a raging boner for Harmony for all of high school and beyond so he can't talk much about being sick.

 

A guy in a barely there bathing suit walks by and he bends down quickly and covers his charge's eyes with both his hands, “Jesus Christ! Put on some pants!”

 

“It's a beach, asshole,” speedo-man-that sounds like a really disturbing superhero, speedo-man-makes a show of rolling his eyes so that Harry can see that he is despite the huge sunglasses he's wearing.

 

“I'm gonna tell uncle Perry you were looking at other guys,” she's frowning like she's just caught him with someone who is not Perry's dick in his mouth which is so beyond not happening. He takes his hands away from her eyes. She's probably seen worse over at Harmony's house anyway.

 

“What? No. No, we don't need to tell uncle Perry-wait, why is he an uncle too I'm like...12% more likely to be related to you than he is,” he says as an aside to the people around, “Indiana.”

 

Speedo-man has since escaped the area so he walks her over the water in the hopes that she will forget about telling Perry about said speedo wearing man. It's not like it should matter. Perry checks out other guys all the time. At least as much as Harry looks at girls. What if it does matter? Shit.

 

“Uncle Haaaarrryyyy.”

 

“What?” he looks down, “what's that, a crab?”

 

It is. It's also a terribly vicious creature and latches onto his index finger of the hand _not_ missing a finger(yet) the second he puts his hand anywhere near it. He honestly tries not to scream. Tries being the key word because it will not let go and he has visions of sea life eating his fingers and then Melody calmly looks at him, pulls the crab off his finger and says, “man up, uncle Harry.”

 

Man up. A little girl is telling him to man up. The irony. “That's...yeah, okay. You know how to swim, right, you're not going to drown and have me put in jail for negligence because I've already got like three priors and I'll never get...out...”

 

None of that processes in her brain, he can tell and that's totally fine because most people take time to understand his bullshit and he probably shouldn't be talking about jail in front of a kid-his sister had hated that.

 

“Come on, water, swimming.”

 

He runs in still wearing his jeans which is fine because he's not going to take off any parts of his clothing in front of a kid that's fucking sick and she eventually follows him after he makes a big deal about how fucking awesome the water is. He doesn't know how to swim perse so he doesn't go that far in because Melody would probably save him from drowning too but it's deep enough that it reaches her waist so good enough.

 

“So what did your mom say about me?” he asks casually as she dog paddles around in the shallow water. He fixes his hair a little with wet hands and that only makes it look worse.

 

“Stuff.”

 

“Yeah, but what kind of stuff like good stuff bad stuff 'I sure wish Harry was over the whole Chook Chutney thing' stuff?”

 

“She said you were kinda a screw up but since uncle Perry was here that I would be okay.”

 

Ouch. Okay, might've deserved that because shit, I can't even get my niece the right god damn robo-proto...cop guy toy you know what I got my sister to sell that on ebay and it was worth way more in the end so really what was the right choice there? Yeah. And I mean sure, I should be over Harmony, whatever, but it's hard to get out of the habit when you spent your entire life doing something. Eat, sleep, jerk off, love Harmony Faith Lane. I wrote poems about that. Terrible poems. And now she's married to Brad Pitt and there's no way I'm getting in on that and you know what I don't even want to because she slept with Chook Chutney. She's happy with Brad, I'm happy with the set up I have now, I mean what else could I really want?

 

“Yeah, well, your uncle Perry isn't going to let you have ice cream and I am so I'm clearly the better uncle, right?”

 

Melody looks up at him, grins, “Momma never lets me have ice cream!”

 

~~**~~

 

“What the fuc-” Perry stops, closes his eyes and take a deep breath as he drags Harry into the kitchen, “heck did you feed her?”

 

“Like one ice cream cone, I didn't know she was gonna freak the fuck-heck out,” he says over Melody screaming along with the TV and generally running around like some sort of sugar crazed maniac.

 

“She's never had sugar before, Harry, what the hell were you thinking? One ice cream cone is like you smoking an entire package of cigarettes in 10 minutes, what is your fucking-” he searches for about half a second for a more appropriate word, “fucking problem? It says-”

 

“I was just trying to be a good uncle.”

 

Perry rolls his eyes, shoves his hand over Harry's mouth. He's got a piece of paper that he holds in front of Harry's face, “this is the list. THIS, Harry, THIS is the list of food that Melody has a bad reaction to and what...what's this?”

 

“Dairy,” he grumbles into his palm.

 

“Also citrus fruits, red meat...Jesus Christ,” he rolls his eyes, “read the list. Do not feed her anything on the list.”

 

Harry licks the hand over his mouth and it's taken away with a look of disgust even though by now he should know that would be the first tactic used, “why do I have to be in charge of feeding her?”

 

“Because you were the one who took her in. And one of us has to work and oh, right, you work for me which means if I take time off of work you don't work. So you're taking time off and I'm working.”

 

“I get paid, right because I have some debts I need to-”

 

“Go. Now.”

 

They fix up Harry's room for Melody-so they change the sheets and make sure there are no porn magazines under the mattress-and by the time they're finished she's crashed from her sugar rush and really, really terrible reaction to dairy products. She's flopped on the couch, TV still playing some show about cops, and sleeping peacefully when Perry picks her up like a sack of potatoes. Harry wonders out loud if he shouldn't be more, you know, careful but Perry isn't having it. It's not a long trip anyway and he's gentle enough at laying her down again anyway. They get her under the covers in her clothes because Harry is not taking little girls' clothes off and Perry has deemed her the most disgusting thing since Harry and his cigarettes moved in and won't touch her either. It feels kind of nice. Turning off the light, placing her stuffed Elephant beside her as per the directions on how to put Melody to bed, and leaving the door open a crack just in case. He's thought before of having a family but he's still a fuck up and any kid that got unlucky enough to have him as a dad would probably turn out as bad as he is.

 

Is that the maternal instinct kicking in? Do men have maternal instincts? Whatever, I like kids is all I'm saying. Not like that.

 

Perry turns off the tv before heading for his bedroom and Harry has slept on the couch on numerous occasions, mostly before they'd stopped putting up all the pretences that Harry would eventually be moving out. It's not comfortable-all style, no substance-but he can deal.

 

“What the fuck are you doing?”

 

“Couch...I mean, Melody is in my room so...” and this is familiar. This means he's not going to have to sleep on the couch tonight after all because Perry can never just _say_ 'come to bed' it always has to be a big fucking production.

 

The door is being held open, the light from the often restricted space cutting a wedge into the darkness of the rest of the apartment, “Hurry up and get in here before I change my mind.”

 

He very nearly runs because Perry's bed is made of soft fluffy clouds or some shit and he won't tell him what's _in it_ like he doesn't want Harry to have a comfortable bed of his own and yeah, he doesn't get into it much. He has to savour it while he can. He strips down to his undershirt and boxers before flopping onto the bed.

 

“If you're planning on fucking my bed then you can sleep out there.”

 

Running around after a kid all day is more tiring than he remembers it being. He says that and Perry gets under the covers, does a couple of stretches for his chest even though it's more a habit now than necessity. A nasty scar from where he'd gotten shot is about all there is now but he'd been diligent in keeping up with the whole recovery process so Harry can't really see why he bothers. As soon as he'd been given a clean bill of health Harry had ceased all physio-therapy though he has managed to cut down smoking. Maybe that's why keeping up with Melody made him so tired. He mimics Perry poorly until he gets stared down.

 

“You're not exactly a spring chicken anymore, Harry.”

 

“Neither are you,” he fires back because he's not _old_ he's only...shit he _is_ old.

 

“You're good with her,” Perry turns out the light and there's a rustling as he settles down, “You'll make a good father one day. If you ever get your shit together.”

 

He's too busy counting how many years it's been since he turned 30 so he misses the last part, “I think she likes you better.”

 

“That's because I'm cooler. Uncle Harry doesn't have a concealed carry permit.”

 

“Hey, I tried to get it but they wouldn't-”

 

“Shut up and go to sleep.”

 

He does but only because he's tired. It's not like he's some sort of BDSM slave that only listens to Perry's orders and Jesus Christ that's what they look like to other people isn't it? He has to start asserting his dominance or something, fuck.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so that's that. I agonized over what name to give Harmony's kid and then I was like MELODY AWWW YEAHHH which is about the lamest thing I think I've ever come up with but whatever. Uncle Perry may have a concealed carry permit but Uncle Harry has...uh...4 fingers on one hand???? Thanks for reading!


End file.
